Hang Onto Your Hat
by Sky's Penname
Summary: A collection of very short and very exaggerated unrelated stories/scenes for each chapter. Starring Professor Layton and occasionally Phoenix Wright, one of Layton's favorite lawyers (maybe). Expect laughter, mayhem, and a perhaps a vague sense of dread. You should probably hang onto your hat.
1. Tea Time

**Layton and Phoenix drink tea. :)**

* * *

Fresh air blew against his face as a cool breeze wafted lazily by. The streets of London buzzed with activity, but gently so. People went about their day to day, not a care in the world, no rush to get to their destination. Everyone was happy where they were, in the moment, in the now. The city was bright and clean, perfect even. Blue skies held up light fluffy clouds in the air with the utmost care.

Phoenix sipped his tea, breathing in the relaxing atmosphere. It wasn't often he could lean back and enjoy the scenery with Maya. Professor Layton's tea recommendation was brilliant as always. The four of them sat outside a cozy shop around a small table, delicate china and delicious baked sweets laid out before them.

The stress of his day to day mishaps seemed to all but vanish, as if it were simply a distant memory. Phoenix couldn't remember a time he felt so at peace with the world, surrounded by friends no less too. Layton, of course, sipped at his tea quietly as Maya and Luke chattered about mysteries and adventures and this and that.

The lawyer let out a happy sigh, looking up to the bright blue sky with content. His muscles relaxed, his back felt better than ever. It must be heaven here in London for Layton. Phoenix was actually considering moving here one day if only to live nearer to this bliss.

He closed his eyes and let his mind wander, floating high above with the cushiony clouds, letting them take him wherever the breeze blew. In the back of his imagination, he heard an orchestra playing a wondrous song, passionate and brutal. Eh? Brutal? No, that wasn't quite right. It was passionate though, a beautiful song played for a mysterious man. The song seemed to get louder and louder in his mind, however, and that didn't seem right.

Wait, this wasn't in his imagination at all! Phoenix's eyes snapped open and he jolted up, his back cracking unpleasantly in the process. A man cloaked in the finest of silks stood before them. Phantom of the Opera blared loudly, causing Phoenix's ears to ring. His eyes were hidden by a hand crafted white mask, similar to a mask that one might find in said opera. His mouth, however, was clear for all to see, curled in a smug grin.

Layton continued to sip his tea, as if the man didn't even exist. Luke, however, was clearly doing his best to keep his eyes forward, away from the strange man. Was no one going to talk about this? Maya was interested, of course, thrilled by the mysterious man.

"Uhhh…" Phoenix finally mumbled gracelessly. "Can we help you or…?"

"Hahaha!" The man cackled, flipping his cape mysteriously.

"Just ignore him." Layton said, teacup never leaving his lips. "Try not to make eye contact."

Wait what.

"Haha!" The opera fan laughed manically again. "Layton, Layton, Layton! It seems we meet again! Under such dire circumstances, no less!"

Dire circumstances? It was a pretty good day today. Well, at least it _was_.

Layton didn't react in the slightest to the strange man. In fact, he seemed pretty relaxed. "Quite the wonderful tea, wouldn't you say, Mr. Wright?" Luke was trying his best to mimic the professor's calm demeanor, but clearly struggled.

"Uhh…" Phoenix stumbled over his words again, sweat forming around his brow as the masked gentleman's eyes pierced holes into his skull. "Yeah? Yes?"

Without warning, the stranger flipped the table, china, tea, and baked goods crashing to the pristine sidewalk below, staining it a mess of clashing and muddy colors. Layton didn't even react! His legs stayed perfectly still, teacup never showing even the smallest sign of flinching.

Phoenix, however, was not nearly as composed. "What the heck!?" he yelled, startled. Maya was simply laughing and clapping her hands together as if he were a mere street performer that _didn't_ just completely ruin their snacks. "Who are you!?"

That set something off in the man. Something wild, something terrifying. He raised his arms up high into the sky with dramatic emphasis. "Hahaha!" He laughed again, bringing his face much too near to Phoenix's, intimidating and frightening the lawyer to no end. "I am _Descole_! Fuck yoooooooooou!" he cried out as he scampered away through the streets, laughing and bringing his opera music with him.

Once the orchestra music finally faded away into the distance, Phoenix felt safe to breathe again. His tea and snacks were completely destroyed, dashed, and ruined. His heart was racing, and he could swear his back was actually in worse shape than it was back home now somehow.

"Wow, Nick! Did you see that guy?!" Maya asked dumbly, pink cakes stuffed in her mouth as she chewed openly. Oh, of course _her_ tea and snacks were spared.

"Yeah… I saw him," Phoenix replied, just as dumbly, wondering how in the world no one else seemed to be phased by this. Well at least it was over. Maybe he could still—

"Curse you, Laaaaaaaaaayton!" A harsh voice called out. Oh no, not more of this. "I've finally found you!"

As before, the professor wouldn't even give the stranger the time of day. Or maybe he generally just didn't notice? Phoenix could not tell.

An older gentleman stood before them now, his head a shiny bald marble with a sword like nose attached. His mustache was pruned to perfection and was the very definition of 'dastardly.' He kicked one of the cakes already on the ground uselessly, as if that made things any worse. "Your arch nemesis, Don Paolo, is here to ruin your day!"

"My, my, on beautiful days like these, I'm reminded of the most wonderful puzzles," Layton said pleasantly, an endearing smile on his face.

Don Paolo didn't take to being ignored quite like the last fellow, however. He frowned. "Layton! It's me! Don Paolo! Surely, you remember me right?! Your arch nemesis!"

"Luke, my boy, if you could be so kind as to pass the biscuits?" Layton asked gently.

The young boy finally broke. There were no biscuits left he could hand to the professor! They were all on the ground, after all! What could he do?

"No, no, here let me!" Don Paolo insisted, reaching into the store for but a moment and returning with a fresh plate of baked goods. "I've got you some new ones, Layton!" he was practically whining, begging for attention.

"Hmm," was the only sound that left Layton's lips, staring at where the table used to be.

Don Paolo took the hint. In a flash he picked the table off the side walk, dusting and cleaning it to perfection and adding his own new china filled with delicious tea. He placed the biscuits down in front of Layton, smiling nervously. "T-there we go! Biscuits and tea! The very finest!"

The professor nodded and smiled, but never quite noticing the man. "Very good."

The 'arch-nemesis' nearly leaped with joy at that tiny sliver of attention. "Oh, of course! Thank you so much, Layton! I hope your day is going well, and I'll be happy to see you again! So long!" He bowed politely before running down the streets albeit a bit nervously.

Maya was absolutely thrilled to get new sweets. Phoenix, on the other hand, was remembering just how much better home was after all. Just who was scarier? Layton's enemies? Or Layton himself?

Maybe this was a puzzle best left unsolved.


	2. The Terribly Large Killer Fortress

Note: Some vague Unwound Future spoilers here. Expect characters to be dumb parody versions of themselves for one chapter and then switch back to normal in others. Don't expect anything more than some dumb jokes is all I'm saying.

* * *

It's a gargantuan thing; this fortress, this creation made with years of forced labor. Cogs rusted together as metal legs the size of skyscrapers stomped across the city. Pavement crumbled beneath its great weight, steam erupted from its joints, the whole thing always sounding so dangerously close to falling apart. It's something amazing to behold from a distance, and downright terrifying when viewed from below, just a few feet away from its rampaging movement.

An elongated pipe, which served for some strange mimicry of an arm, had swung out like a sword, slashing at brick and mortar buildings. Debris made of stone and metal flung out through the air. Citizens ran and hid where they could, but a madman, seated within the pilot's seat of this fortress, was relentless. His hands shook as he pulled at levers, manipulating this hulking thing as only an extension of him. Nothing foreign, nothing strange to his touch. Any moment more, and soon the entire city of London would be demolished before anything could be done.

Layton stood inside it, within a room so decked out with a mass of buttons, wires crisscrossing over the floor, their origin and destination unknown. The sound was loud here, keening with the stress of the pipes and the villain's hungry desire for mayhem. But the professor remained calm, eyes fixed on the riddle that lay deep within the confines of one particular instrument here.

Every moment, every second, a life ended. A family shattered to pieces like the rubble beneath. One wrong button press, one wrong wire cut, and things would only become worse. Luckily, the Professor was a shrewd man. His eyes pierced through the core, the wires shaping and forming into patterns at lightning fast speeds. A hero was needed to save the day, and Layton would soon prove that he was just that hero.

"Aha! I believe I have the solution," Layton mused. The destruction of London would soon come to an end; the madness would be all but a forgotten nightmare soon enough.

"Oy! Bloody 'ell, professah!" Luke interrupted. "Why not let me have a go at this sticky wicket! You always solve all the good puzzles and make me look like a bloody wanker!"

Layton let out a light chuckle. Luke was such a card. "Oho, I don't see why not, go right ahead, Luke, my boy."

The boy's eyes teemed with what was hopefully intellect and insight. He stared blankly at the mass of wires and buttons, steam venting and coursing through the maze like pipes before them. The screams of the dying rang out from beneath, echoing through the metal death machine, but that didn't seem to affect Layton or Luke's blank trance-like stare.

A house turned to dust beneath the fortress' march, the lives of the frail and elderly couple that had been inside now horrifically cut short.

Layton spoke calmly. "Would you like a hint, my boy?"

Screams threatened to overtake his gentlemanly tone.

"Nah, nah, professah! I bloody have this! Cor! Just give me a few more minutes!"

A school was soon demolished in a few mere seconds. Children wailed in blood-curdling fear.

"Oh! I got it, professah!"

"You figured out the solution?"

The London museum that had been standing for over three centuries, full of priceless historical artifacts as well as dozens of families that had taken time out of their busy schedules to spend the day with one another, was bulldozed over without mercy.

"What? No, I found myself a hint coin!" Luke held up the dazzling coin, which winked at them cheerfully. "No coin can escape the keen eyes of Professah Layton's apprentice!"

"Ha ha ha." Layton tipped his hat to Luke. "Good show, my boy."

An orphanage was suddenly set aflame. No one was quite sure how that happened.

Thousands died unnecessarily that day. Luke spent an entire half hour staring at the core's contraption before finally giving up and letting Layton solve it in mere seconds. The day was saved, but London would never rebuild back to its original glory. Friends lost friends, and families were left on the rubble streets with nothing but the clothes on their backs. It was a tragic day in history none would soon forget.

Well, other than Layton and Luke. They enjoyed their tea, at least.


	3. Halloween in London?

**Written by Darkhymns for this collection. Features Phoenix Wright and Maya Fey visiting the Professor in London!**

* * *

"You know what, Mr. Professor Layton?"

"What is it, Ms. Fey?"

"It's so neat that you guys here actually celebrate Halloween! What are the chances of that, huh?"

"Ha ha," Layton chuckled benignly, patting her on the head very lightly. "Well, of course we do. Why, we even celebrate Christmas."

"Wow, that's amazing!"

 _(Maya, please…)_ Phoenix frowned at the display, standing within the rather messy college office of the archeology professor. Both he and Maya had gone back to visit their friend, Hershel Layton, having finally gotten the week off from work, and on Halloween no less. Meeting up with him at Gressenheller University, they figured they might as well dress themselves up for this occasion.

"That is quite an impressive costume you have, Ms. Fey."

Maya was bouncing on her feet at the compliment, which Phoenix wondered just how exactly she even could. The costume she wore was not exactly light; outfitted with the heavy fabric that tried to mimic the steel-plated look of the famous hero, the Steel Samurai. She didn't wear her usual spirit medium dress, exchanging that for the loose red hakama that covered her legs, and the ropes that crisscrossed around her torso to tie up at the back. They were large and they weren't exactly tied _right_ , but whoever did them had done a pretty decent job, Phoenix thought! The only thing that hadn't really changed was her hair, still with her long tresses and the top wrapped in a neat little bun.

"Thanks! I had Nick do a lot of it! Though he could've worked harder on the ropes."

 _(…Thanks, Maya.)_

Phoenix cleared his throat to catch their attention. "W-well, anyway, we should probably get going before it gets too dark." He then adjusted his tie reflexively, eyes continually drawn to the stone relics that were laid out on his work desk. They were accompanied by papers scribbled over with symbols and diagrams. Huh. The professor's work sure looked a lot more interesting than his case files back home…

"Come on, Nick! What kind of Halloween would it be if we went out trick-or-treating when it's still light out?" She nodded, pleased with her logic. "In Kurain Village, we always go when it's darkest, so dark you can barely see a few feet ahead of you! Makes it much more exciting!"

"Okay, first of all, that sounds really dangerous… And second of all…your village celebrates Halloween? I never knew that."

"Um, of course we do? We live in America, Nick. Geez."

 _(Says the girl who couldn't believe Londoners celebrated it either…)_

Layton chuckled again at their banter. Hands reached out to his top hat, fixing it more firmly atop his head. "I am quite fascinated from what you have told me about your hometown, Ms. Fey. And it certainly sounds like there is quite a bit of history. Perhaps I can propose to the dean for a little expedition once the semester ends."

Maya clapped her hands excitedly. "That'd be great! But afterwards, you definitely have to come with me to Los Angeles. Then I can show you my favorite burger joint! And believe me, Professor, you haven't _lived_ if you've never had a bacon-double supreme cheeseburger!"

 _(What, is he like your new best friend now?)_ Phoenix scuffed his boot against the hardwood floor. Not- not like he was jealous! But when was the last time Maya had taken _(forced)_ him to a burger joint? _(And made me pay for it, of course…)_

Suddenly, Maya turned to Phoenix. "Hey, Nick! Where's your costume?"

"Oh, uh." He pointed to his usual blue suit, and his pink _(It's red!)_ tie. "This is my costume. Going as a genuine American defense attorney!" Because he was in London! He thought it was pretty clever!

Maya blinked. "…Wow, boring much? Why didn't you pick something cooler?" Her eyes brightened. "Like Frankenstein! You're tall enough for it. Especially around the thick shoulders."

"Okay, what-"

"Or the Magistrate even? You know! Like I wanted you to?!" She pouted then. "You gotta learn to let loose, Nick! Like the good ol' Professor."

Layton just smiled at them both.

"H-hey, the Professor doesn't have a costume either!" Phoenix countered, gesturing to the man. "Besides, Maya, dressing up is for kids and younger people like you. It'd be pretty silly to see an adult walking around with a Halloween costume." _(Beat that!)_

"Ah, Mr. Wright. That's where you are wrong," Layton interrupted politely, seamlessly even. "Personally, I like to get into the Halloween spirit, as it is actually a dear holiday to me. After all, it only comes by once a year!"

"See?" Maya said triumphantly. "He gets it!"

Phoenix could not believe he could have been so betrayed.

"Speaking of which, I must go and get ready. I shall be right back." Layton then went off to the back of the office into what Phoenix assumed might have been a bathroom. Or, what he supposed people here called it-

"The loo!" Maya shouted into his ear so harshly that Phoenix leapt into the air. He stumbled, then hit his shin against the small coffee table that was situated in the middle of the office. The tea set that was placed on it clanged dangerously, but none of the porcelain cups fell over.

"Ow! Maya! What was that for?"

"I could tell you were thinking that! You're such an open book, Nick!"

 _(And you had to shatter my ear drums for that?!)_

Before he knew it, the professor already came back. "There now. I believe we are, as Ms. Fey has informed me of one of your colloquialisms, ready to hit the town."

Maya turned to the professor with glee, already grabbing for her swords that came with her Steel Samurai costume. Phoenix stared at the rather realistic looking weapons. _(How exactly did she get that through customs…?)_

"You pull off the look well, Professor!"

Phoenix raised his head, and was met with a Professor Layton wearing a duck bill.

"Uh."

"I had feared that I had misplaced my costume at first," spoke Layton, wearing an open mouthed duck bill, his eyes painted over with white to give him a wide-eyed, uncanny stare. "I am quite relieved I found it rather easily."

"Um." Phoenix was lost, completely. "Why are you- I mean… what exactly-"

"C'mon, Nick! Let's go already!" Maya grabbed his arm, already pulling him out of the office. "And you shouldn't stare at people! It's a bit rude, you know."

"But-!" He started, then gave up. Okay, he could get over the weird costume. Sure. Probably some sort of London tradition? Or an archeological one even? "Yeah, we should go pick up Luke, I suppose. Does he live far?"

"Oh no, no." Layton's duck bill moved with the shaking of his head. "We must not."

"We-" Phoenix had to actually think this through. "…must not? What? Why? I thought we were doing this to take Luke out for trick-or-treating?" _(Isn't that what kids do? Has it changed that much since I was in school? …Or do Londoners really_ not _celebrate Halloween?)_

"Taking a lone child out to stranger's homes, asking for candy of unknown origin from them, all while under dim lighting?" Layton shook his head again. "No, no. Halloween is no place for a child."

Phoenix stared. _(But standing on the top of moving airplanes and fortresses are?)_ He remembered how Luke told him about his "amazing adventures with the Professor!" And that it was all in a day's work for "the Professor's number one apprentice!" But trick-or-treating, _that_ was where Layton crossed the line.

Maya's lips twisted a bit in disappointment at him. "Man, Nick. I hope you don't have kids anytime soon. I don't think you're cut out for it!"

 _(Why, Maya)._

So with a little more somberness in his step, Phoenix, along with Layton and Maya walked out of the office, out of the university building, and onto the wide streets of London, the lampposts raised high and bright. "There is a get-together down at the park," Layton explained. _(How can he speak so clearly with that thing on?)_ "I believe it was arranged by a Professor Sycamore, a colleague of mine."

"O-oh. So we're just going to a costume party?" Phoenix asked dumbly.

Maya turned to him. "Well, yeah! I told you about this, Nick!" Then she grinned. "What? Did you think we were actually going to go trick-or-treating?"

"N-nah…"

"That's pretty childish. If you want candy, you can always just buy some yourself like a real adult!"

"I didn't want candy! They- they raise my blood sugar!" _(I mean, not like I was going to actually trick-or-treat, just take some from your stash…)_

"Ah, Ms. Fey." Layton's voice was so very calm, but it pierced through their conversation as swiftly as a sword strike. "Did you take that rare and valuable artifact out of my office?"

Phoenix looked down and saw a cracked statue in her hands. _(How did she take that without me noticing!?)_

"Uh." Maya looked down at her hands, then back to Layton in his blankly staring duck makeup. She handed it over to Phoenix. "Hey, Nick! That's the last time I do your dirty work for you!" She winked at him then, as if this was just a game!

Those blank eyes swiveled over to him, clutching at his heart. And his back, which cracked a little in fear. _(Next time, I'm just sitting at home on my next day off…)_


	4. Anatidaephobia

**Anatidaephobia: a pervasive, irrational fear that one is being watched by a duck...**

* * *

Darkness swirled around Luke, pulling, prodding, grabbing at his body and mind. The silence was suddenly deafening, waking him up in the black of night. His room had no light source, he had told the professor that he wasn't a kid anymore, he didn't need a night-light!

But…

His room felt foreign in the inky dark, twisted like some sort of parallel universe. Where his reading chair was, the shadows replaced it with a portly man, staring into his bed. Where his desk was once a place of respite and creativity, a jagged monster had appeared, sharp and twisted by dark. Even his teddy bear took on a transformation of untrustworthiness, appearing to be nothing more than an evil doppelganger of his once old fluffy friend.

A shuffling. A clatter. What was that noise at this time of night? An intruder? Or maybe it was just the professor? Yes, it must be the professor! An apprentice must be ready at any time, night or day, to aid his teacher!

Truth be told, however, Luke only wanted to escape his dark bedroom.

Heart pounding, the boy tossed the sheets off his person in an attempt to distract any would-be monsters. His feet dashed clumsily across the carpet, fearing the dark might grab him and take him under.

Oh, why was it so frightening tonight?!

He nearly slammed the door behind him, praying that would keep the monsters at bay.

 _Clatter. Shuffle shuffle. Scritch scratch._

The noises were coming from the kitchen, but the light wasn't on. Why? Luke's heart was pounding inside his skull, his mind raced. The professor taught him to be brave though! There must be a reasonable and mundane explanation for the noise, right?

Invisible hands touched and startled Luke, but when he turned around, he found no one to be there, nothing but a trick of the mind.

 _Ah, but just because it isn't real, doesn't mean it can't hurt you, my boy._

Why did Luke think that?! Why would Luke hear that in Layton's voice no less? While the professor might have never said that, it sounded so real, so logical! Just because it was a figment of his imagination, it didn't make it any less scary, didn't make the monsters he saw any less real.

It didn't matter now! Just ignore it! Find the professor at all costs! With a mad dash, he made it at the kitchen's entrance, the tile ice cold on his bare feet. Luke fumbled for the light switch, flicking it uselessly, desperately. The electricity seemed to be out! And on a night like this…

The shuffling was louder now, directly in front of him. The shadows truly were moving this time; it wasn't just in his head! A tall figure scrounged through the cabinets, tossing aside food items and pots and pans, looking for something hungrily.

Even in the dark, Luke could recognize that hat anywhere!

"P-professor!" Luke stuttered out, his frazzled mind finally calming down at the sight of his teacher and friend. "What are you doing up so late in the dark?"

That moment of respite and relief was short lived. Layton didn't reply. His shadowy form kept seemingly teleporting throughout the kitchen, shuffling and reaching in the dark, searching. Searching.

"Professor?..." Luke called out, his voice barely above a whisper. It was all he could manage.

The shadow stopped. It was rigid, frozen, seemed almost mechanical. Like a doll even. In one swift movement, Professor Layton faced Luke, a costume duckbill over his mouth and white face paint around his eyes. "Quack," he said.

Luke burst out laughing, but it was a nervous and frightened laughter, as if a mad spirit had dived into his body and tangled his emotions. "O-oh, professor! Y-you're just joking around, aren't you?"

Layton's beady little eyes somehow shone bright in the darkness. The white face paint merely drew attention to the fact that those eyes of his were always so different, so strange, so otherworldly.

"Where is the bread," Layton asked, his voice toneless and humorless. It sounded less like a question and more like a demand.

This was starting to scare Luke. Was this man before him even Layton anymore? His head twitched, but those eyes, those eyes! They stabbed through the darkness, ripped the black flesh of night and left it bleeding.

"Y-you are just joking, right?" Luke finally asked, but he knew the answer already. Whoever this was, it wasn't Layton, even if it looked and sounded just like him.

The shadow stepped closer, his fingers stretching to impossible lengths in the dark. Luke shut his eyes tight, but Layton's eyes still gazed through and wouldn't let him escape.

"I asked you a fucking question."

The monster reached out with its enormous claws, grasping Luke's frail little body. It screamed and hissed in his ears, it forced his eyes open, forced him to stare back into those dark spheres. It constricted its cold claws around his ribcage, crushing Luke with a brutal force. He gasped for air but found none.

* * *

Luke jolted out of bed, covered in sweat, his blankets in a tangled mess around his body. Gasping and heaving, he looked this way and that. Morning light streamed in through the windows.

But the hissing! The screeching!

Luke recognized it now to be nothing more than the teapot in the kitchen.

Memories of his nightmare still fresh in his mind, Luke scrambled out of his blankets and scampered out of his room, eager to forget.

Kitchen in sight, Luke found Professor Layton calmly pouring a soothing cup of hot tea for himself. "Ah, Luke, my boy, there you are!" he said cheerfully. "Up bright and early today?"

The gentlemanly tone soothed Luke's frazzled nerves. "Oh, Professor! I had the worst nightmare!"

"Now, now, Luke," Layton interrupted, albeit politely. "It's best not to dwell on such things."

Oh, he was so right! Best to forget such things. It wasn't real after all! Imaginary things can't hurt you!

 _Ah, but just because it isn't real, doesn't mean it can't hurt you, my boy._

The memory haunted him, the voice suddenly there again.

"Come join me for tea, my boy," Layton offered, motioning to a quaint tea cup. "I seem to be in quite the puzzle."

Luke knew what he was going to say before he said it, but he still asked anyway. "What do you mean, professor?"

Layton placed a hand on his chin, brows furrowed in thought. "I bought bread the other day, but now it seems to be missing. Strangest thing. You wouldn't happen to know where the bread is, would you, Luke?"

The shadow's eyes pierced Luke's mind again. He would always be sure to be stocked up on bread from that moment on.


End file.
